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Article published Aug 2, 2007

Keep your distance
Parents of college students at faraway schools learn to let go

By RACHELKAUFMAN
rachel.kaufman@timesnews.com

Moms, dads: Ready to say goodbye?

There's going away to college, and there's going far away to college. In the latter case, it could be months rather than weeks before parents see their children again.

"You don't wanna know" how Janelle Jastram, mother of Gannon University student Ashley Jastram, handled the first few weeks when Ashley left Minnesota for school in Erie. "Everything I did reminded me of her."

Jastram, 21, chose to transfer from a college closer to home for the opportunities that weren't available in Wheaton, Minnesota. That's more than 1,000 miles from Erie.

"I was getting to see other parts of the country, and ... the area that I grew up in has such a low population," Ashley Jastram said. Her boyfriend, as well, had transferred to Gannon about a semester earlier. They've been together two-and-a-half years.
Now that she's at Gannon, Ashley Jastram either flies home -- at $250-$300 per trip -- or her family drives 16 hours every three or four months for Christmas, spring break and other visits.

With Ashley Jastram now a senior, her mom finds parting easier.

"You know they can always come back home," Janelle Jastram said. "You know you're gonna see them again."
Young adults take wing
All over the country this month, kids are gearing up for college.

Parents of kids who are headed hundreds of miles away, rather than to a college closer to home, might find the parting especially tough.

Roselle Walkiewicz, of Erie, "was not happy" when her son, Steve Walkiewicz, now 22, chose the University of Tampa, more than 1,100 miles away. Her son's chosen major was film, media arts and comedy writing, which involves a lot of performances.

"It's hard that I can't always be there," she said. "I've had to miss a couple of his activities."
But Roselle Walkiewicz can't fly multiple times -- at $300 a trip -- plus pay for her son's visits home on holidays, and she can't take almost a week off work to make the two-day drive there and back.

Still, such roadblocks don't stop many students from choosing far-off places to go to school. Kids choose distance for a variety of reasons: a love of travel, or an interest in an obscure major only available at a faraway school.

Then there are the kids who just want to get out.

Jason Mientkiewicz graduated from Northwest Pennsylvania Collegiate Academy this spring and is headed to Vassar College in Poughkeepsie, N.Y., later this month. That's seven hours away.

Erie's local colleges are "not bad schools by any means," said Mientkiewicz, 18. "But I kinda wanted to get out. I just wanted something different."
On their own
What often differentiates these distant undergrads from their local brethren is how much the student does on his or her own. Someone attending school an hour away from home might choose to do all her own cooking, shopping, and laundry, rather than going home on weekends to a home-cooked meal and a free washing machine (and help).

Students at school some six -- or 16 -- hours away have no choice but to fend for themselves.
Spencer Benckendorf, who hails from outside Peoria, Ill., starts at Mercyhurst College here in Erie in the fall. His parents, whom Benckendorf suspects are just beginning to experience empty-nest syndrome, were, at first, against the idea of their youngest child moving more than 500 miles away.

"I know everyone says this, but I swear my dad does not realize I'm a grown adult," said Benckendorf, 18. But after Fresh Start, Mercyhurst's summer freshman-orientation program -- to which Benckendorf drove by himself -- he believes his mom and dad have started to adjust.

Benckendorf's adjusting and growing, too. "This was my first long road trip by myself. My dad said that a year ago, he never would have let me do that."

But independence goes beyond road trips and knowing to separate brights from the whites.

"I've learned to be confident in myself. Now I make wise decisions," said Karuna Raisinghani, a 21-year-old Edinboro University of Pennsylvania sophomore whose home is in Bahrain.

Raisinghani misses traditions from home, but since traveling to see her family -- including getting to the airport, air time, and the layovers from here to there -- takes almost two full days, she instead visits Pittsburgh, where the Hindu population is bigger. She sees her parents twice a year.
Main drawback
Other students, such as Chimaobi Nwaokomah, from Nigeria, have not been home in years. Nwaokomah, 21, a criminal justice major at Edinboro University of Pennsylvania, has been in the United States since 2004. He fears being denied re-entry to the U.S. if he leaves the country, a fear that kept him in Edinboro even after his father passed away.
"I wanted to go home at least for his burial, but I just couldn't because I had schoolwork, and ... I didn't want to take that risk of not being able to finish my education," he said.

This is the main drawback to being uprooted, packed off far away to a new place, often living in a tiny room with a stranger: When you do need your family, you can rely only on the phone and e-mail.

Nwaokomah spends $30 or more a month on phone cards for calls averaging 15 minutes; he e-mails home every day.

Holidays such as Thanksgiving and spring break often aren't long enough to justify the time or expense to make the trip. Weekend visits home are out of the question. Students find other things to occupy their time or spend holidays with friends.

Roselle Walkiewicz said she's tried to get her son home for Thanksgiving, but one year, airfare was so high, she had to choose between a visit at Thanksgiving or one at Christmas.
"I felt horrible," Roselle Walkiewicz said, but Steve Walkiewicz had to stay in Florida. His aunt, uncle and cousins lived nearby, so Steve Walkiewicz, then a college sophomore, spent the holiday with them.

There are some distant students, though, who head home fairly frequently.

JJ Gravante, 19, an Erie native who attends school in Denver, often visits his parents. His school allows him $1200 of student-loan money for transportation, which he used to fly home "a couple of times" a month. Plus, there are always frequent-flyer miles that rack up.

"Sometimes my mom will just miss me and be like 'Come home right this weekend,' and I'll be like, 'Are you serious?'" Gravante said. She is, and bonus miles and reward points offset the cost, which is typically $250 to $300.

But no matter how many times a student comes home, going far, far away to college signifies an important step. Gravante said his first year away from home was proof for his parents that "you've done your job, you've raised a successful kid who's doing well in school, so back away because it's my turn to start life."
And in the end, backing away and letting go may be the only thing to do.

RACHEL KAUFMAN can be reached at 870-1710 or by e-mail.
Tips For Parents of Out-Of-Town College Kids

Be aware your lives will change, and not just negatively. Younger siblings may appreciate the extra time and attention you can devote to them. If the child going to college is your youngest, you may rediscover relationships with your spouse or friends.

Don't ask if they're homesick. The first few months of college are so busy, a student might not even remember he or she misses home until reminded by a well-meaning parent.

Visit if you can, but not too often, and try not to surprise your student by dropping in unannounced.

Agree with your child about how often you'll communicate. Some students might like to phone every night; for others, once a week is enough.

When your child calls with a problem, let him or her try to solve it unaided before stepping in. In addition, don't worry too much about overly negative calls; it's common for first-year students to feel the strongest urge to communicate only when things aren't going well.

Trust.

-- compiled from tips from Emory University; University of Michigan; and Jeff Natalie, licensed social worker