Make most of family time in car   By JOAN BENSON-CACCHIONE joan.cacchione@timesnews.com Beep, beep — up ahead. Isn't that the holiday season? Yep. Time to squeeze parties, rehearsals, church and school events into our daily runs to school, day care, the doctor's office and swim practice. Wait! What about those Thanksgiving get-togethers and December visits to the in-laws? Oops, almost forgot. Let's take the drive-through lane to save time. Wave to Grandma, kids. School-age children already spend more than an hour, on average, each day in the car. With long-distance travel alone poised to jump a whopping 23 percent from Christmas to New Year's, according to U.S. Department of Transportation, it's anybody's guess how many miles we'll log with our kids on the road — in town and out of town — in the weeks to come. That means more blaring tunes, meals dispensed from bags and scuffling over who gets to ride shotgun. Feel like getting off at the next exit? Not so fast. That expensive hunk of machinery we all crawl into each day has a softer side. And we're not just talking about the fine Corinthian leather. Lately the family car is pulling alongside the dinner table as the place where family relationships play out each day. In a recent Harris Interactive poll, two-thirds of parents said the family vehicle is a convenient place to have a meaningful conversation with their kids. Seventy percent said the car is where they spend most of their time, outside of the house, with their kids. "The car ride is a powerful, powerful tool," says Jeff Natalie, a licensed social worker, family and child therapist. He produced the recent Erie Kids video series. The car is where parents and kids alike have access to what he calls "a captured audience," he said. Outside the car, we compete for attention with everything else in a child's life, from the Internet to sports to friends to school work. They, in turn, compete with interruptions of ours, from phone calls to work concerns to errands to household tasks. In the car, with a little work — and distractions cut to a minimum — parents can engineer a haven of safety, calm and connectedness amid these hectic days. Caution ahead: Conversation is the destination, but it's not automatic. It takes some tinkering to change the family car ride from a rolling roughhouse to a roadmap for strengthening family ties. Some tips: — Know what to expect. "A parent's main job is to know a little bit about what's going on developmentally with their child," says Natalie. Chatterbox toddlers and preschoolers, he says, "can have conversations that last for hours about the colors of the cars that drive by or the dog that almost ran into the street." By first grade, though, the days of the simple (and endless) conversation are nearly over. The chance that the classic question, 'How was school today?' will lead to an enriching conversation, is ending. What takes its place is a conversation more in line with the older child, in which Natalie says "you might get a handful of sentences that are not necessarily enjoyable conversation for him (or her)." How to foster more: Minimize distractions during the car ride and understand how conversation works. — Time to play it out. Like any other process, a conversation has stages: beginning, middle, end. Those who travel longer distances have an advantage, because there's more time for a talk to cycle fully through its parts. "During a 30-minute car ride, a lot of good things can happen in a conversation," says Natalie. On the other hand, parents who make a multitude of five-minute drives — home from school, then off to karate practice, then to dance class, to the grocery store, then back to school for scouts — end up with a lots of rides and lots of interruptions. Each distraction creates distance, thus an opportunity for a break in the conversation. Two things happen: "Either that child will bring that conversation to an end, or just stop talking, because you're distracted. It's not an evil process," says Natalie. "We just miss out." How to respond: Make a conscious effort to allow a conversation to continue. Either extend the ride a bit, or, once you've arrived, put everything else aside. Stay in the car. Focus on the child. Dinner (homework, playtime, phone calls ...) can wait. If that's not realistic, Natalie suggests setting aside time for a ride around, say, Presque Isle State Park. In 14 peaceful miles there (round-trip), you'll have plenty of time to talk. Above all, says Natalie, parents need to ask themselves, "Am I really interested in what my kids have to say? Or am I just looking for filler in the car ride home?" — Ditch distractions. Kids are "enormously stimulated" when they climb in the car from school, practices or after-school care, says Natalie. That "mad rush at the end of the day" means "they have a million things going on in their heads." They get in the car and stumble on more noise and distractions, plus Mom or Dad on the cell phone. A parent's goal in this moment is to reconnect with the child. Start by unplugging everybody and establishing calm and quiet. If you're consistent with this, says Natalie, conversation will likely follow. Some strategies: Turn off the radio or music. Leave kids' game devices and portable CD players at home. If the cell phone rings, let it ring. Better yet, turn it off and check messages later. "Give kids the message that those things are not important," says Natalie. "Is there anything (more desirable) than leaving your child with that sense that they are more important than anything else? — Stay in control. A parent must control the atmosphere in the car, says Natalie. "This is your opportunity to put life at peace, when it's absolutely chaotic," he says, for kids and for yourself. "When you do, you're reiterating your strength to your child. Whether they're 2 or 20, you can make their lives less crazy. They'll be more confident, and that confidence will translate into personal peace and that's a great gift to give a child," says Natalie, adding, "Who would think that a car ride could be such a powerful experience?" What to say: "Let's you and I make a date," to discuss this topic at length when you each have more time. "Leave them with that confidence that this is important to you." Then be sure to follow up. Stay calm, too, regardless of the topic. Even if what a child shares is upsetting, it's important for a parent to convey the message that you're glad they shared it with you. — Let's just be together. Sometimes, despite their best efforts, parents encounter those silent, awkward moments when it's not a good idea to coerce or cajole a child into talking. What to do: Leave them with a positive thought, "if only that you're happy to be reunited with them and glad to spend time together," Natalie says, "even if it's just for this car ride." If you do nothing else but ride quietly in the car together "when everything else is going nuts," he says, "it's going to influence them over time. If we can't have a good conversation today, then we're going to at least sit together in peace and silence at the end of our day." In time, Natalie says, "it's almost magical how kids will respond." So, are we there yet? JOAN BENSON-CACCHIONE can be reached at 870-1737 or by e-mail.