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DIVORCE, CUSTODY, SUPPORT...
Divorce
and your child - The biggest challenges in parenting your child through
divorce.
by Jeffrey Natalie, LSW © 2006/2007
Divorce is the one of the most difficult challenges
for a child to endure. Second only, perhaps, to the death of a parent. Just
making the transition from an intact family to a divorced family is
difficult enough. When parents are at war with one another, the adjustment
can be delayed, but most often, seemingly impossible.
Here are some greatest challenges that kids of divorce
face, and what you can do about it:
Part
One: The child in the middle
Parents so often are brimming with anger, resentment and underneath it all,
regret over the death of their marital relationship. They struggle to get
back on their feet and recover from the emotional turmoil that divorce
brings. All too often, they mistakenly, even unknowingly share their pain
with their kids. Whether it’s something benign like frustration over
disagreements with their ex-spouse to things much more damaging, sharing
ANYTHING with a child will serve to set up alliances. Children who “hear too
much” often struggle with deciding who the “good parent” is and who the “bad
parent” is.
Part
Two: The child with a mission
The
kids who have inappropriately been given information by one or both parents
will naturally create an alliance with the parent that they feel has been
harmed or who is less “bad”. Over time, this child will begin to campaign
for one parent and against the other. Parental Alienation is the most severe
form of this kind of campaigning. Parents may automatically assume that the
reason the child is so upset is because their ex-spouse has done something
to deserve it. Maybe they have! Before you assign that level blame, it’s a
good idea to ask yourself how you may be contributing to the problem. More
often then not, children are responsive to the changes in the expectations
between the two homes. They're learning the rules and that's not easy to do.
However, with the amount of anger parents often have, they automatically
believe that their children are accurately depicting the issues at the other
parent's home. As a result, parents exchange angry accusations that lead to
putting each other down in front of the kids.
Part
Three: My “Ex” is unreasonable
When a
husband and wife have a child, in most cases the child benefits from having
daily contact with each parent. When parents first separate, one of the
first things they realize is that they will never have daily contact with
their child again. That can be so devastating that they find it
intolerable. At times, that can initiate the “time war”. That is, the
fight to increase the time they have with their child. And because there
are only 7 days in a week, the tug-o-war begins over who should have how
much time, and when.
So how much
time should any parent have? In an ideal world, both parents should share
equal time. But things like school districts, work schedules, sports and
other activities dictate the schedule as well. You’re job is be reasonable
about the time a child needs to be a kid and weigh that against the amount
of time a child needs to maintain a healthy connection with you both. The
best idea is to make a schedule and stick to it. Inconsistency drives
kids crazy and is bad for your developing co-parenting relationship.
Part
Four: My “Ex” is only interested in the money
Perhaps one
of the biggest obstacles that newly divorced co-parents face. Because child
support is generally connected to the amount of time divided by the custody
order, many parents battle to increase their time to reduce their support
responsibilities. It’s a fact, and ugly one at that. What should you do?
First, realize that supporting your child is both of your responsibility.
This is one area that working to be very “fair” about how to equitably split
the responsibilities should be a primary goal. If one parent, does have a
larger percentage of the parenting due to reasons listed above, they also
have a great deal of responsibility to endure. If you choose to have the
court assign the support amount, you will more than likely be disappointed.
Parents who establish that amount on their own are more likely to find a
solution that works and is bearable. This is the best case scenario, and
admittedly, not realistic in all cases. But then again, we’re working here
to give divorced kids the BEST shot at making it through this.
Part
Five: My “Ex” doesn’t want to work with me
Playing
games? Inconsistent with the visitation schedule? Yelling, swearing,
name-calling? When kids have to be witness to this kind of behavior between
their parents, they are most at-risk for significant emotional problems.
What can you do?
First,
what’s standing in the way? Why does the anger continue? How may you be
setting each other off? Be explicit with your ex-spouse about what it is
that causing your distress. Come up with a plan together on how to go
forward so as to reduce the likelihood of further conflict.
They won’t
play nice? It happens. This is when having a solid, measurable, and
well-defined court order is an absolute necessity. The unfortunate reality
in divorce or any relationship is that at times, there are really unhealthy
people involved. Getting a court order adds a level of accountability that
discussion, mediation, even therapy can’t offer. Keep meticulous notes
including dates, times, events and a summary of what has happened. Just like
good fences make for good neighbors, good court orders make things more
predictable, and as a result, safe.
If you have
a story you'd like to share, email us at
info@eriekids.com.
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