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Intimate relationships...
take a great amount of energy,
commitment and tenacity. At times, it seems that it's a miracle that we stay
together at all. Creating a good relationship or marriage OR saving one
requires investment. We understand that children of "intact" families suffer
when their parent's relationship suffers.
This section is dedicated to
answering some of the more common relational questions. Feel free to send a
question, we may just post it for others to benefit from. Below are some of
the questions we've been asked...
"What
do you say to your 16 yr. old daughter who has seen her mom and dad being
intimate? We did not know until she broke down crying."
An
interesting question because initially it suggests a number of potential
interpretations. However, first, it's important to remember that not only is
intimacy ok, it's essential to a healthy relationship. Intimacy is
closeness, shared and mutual experience as well as sex. Intimacy is a great
barometer of a healthy, balanced relationship, whereas sex is not. So,
touching, laughing, hugs, a warm kiss in the morning should unapologetically
be shared within the view of children. With that said, intercourse is a
private expression of that intimacy that should be protected.
...then the
16 year old walks in.
So, one
might be compelled to ask how did the 16 yr. old fall victim to seeing mom
and dad being "intimate". Ewww, Gross! Or something similar might be a
typical adolescent response. Yet, your teen's response was
tearfulness. What about the act was disturbing? What did she see? Or was it
some other issue? If she saw mom and dad involved in some intricate,
untraditional, sexual role-play, then that might be disturbing for anyone.
If she was just grossed out by "mom and dad actually having sex"...then that
is something completely different.
In either
case, the response is the same, ask your daughter, not what she saw, but
what her emotional and thoughtful response was to what she saw. The goal is
to let her know that what she thinks and feels is as natural as the act of
physical intimacy itself; in whatever form that takes. If what she witnessed
appeared dangerous, demeaning or worrisome to her, ask her how that made her
feel. Then, as a mom, explain why it was none of those to you. The key is
let her know you're ok with what happened, what she feels is normal and that
you regret that she was witness to it.
Then, it is
best be discreet with any bedroom escapades. Thanks for a great question.
Good luck with your conversation.
"What
do you do when you each have a child from a previous marriage and have
conflict about how the other is handling issues with that child?"
Blending
families... a really tough job. This question seems straight forward enough
but speaks to a bigger issue. First, the answer to the question. When
parents come together and marry they accept the challenges that accompany
the hopes for the second relationship. More times than not, they find more
differences in the parenting aspect of their relationship than they do in
the love. The goal is to discuss a number of predictable issues.
First are
the "roles". What role will you have with your spouse's children? Most
attempt to parent their step-kids the same as their own. This is a recipe
for disaster. In the early goings, the non-biological parent needs to focus
the "love" aspect of parenting on acceptance, civility, getting to know the
children. In the discipline aspect of parenting, the non-biological parent
needs to focus on supporting the biological parent, never (or rarely)
disciplining the children themselves. Is this a bitter pill? You bet it is,
but remember, the children didn't ask for you two to marry. In fact, they
probably never wanted their mom and dad to divorce in the first place. Don't
mistake their acceptance or kindness for permission to parent them.
The second
issue to consider is "rules". Hopefully you and your spouse aren't too far
separated on what you believe in. Finding out that you are after you've
exchanged rings is a bit late in the process. But never fear. As long as
you're willing to negotiate the "business" of parenting and are able to keep
your egos out of it, you may find it easy to compromise. The key is not
being offended when confronting your differences. Generally, parenting
approaches are created equally (severe corporal punishment aside). The key
is consistency. If you are completely opposed to a parenting technique,
discuss it. Offer your rationale and concerns for the impact not just on
your child but how parenting differently will create a break in an already
fragile new family. If that fails and negotiations are out of the question,
it may be time for a consultation with a professional child and family
therapist.
The big
issue with all of this is that remarried couples are trying to make an
unnatural event more natural. That statement is not meant to be an insult,
but think of it this way. Did you marry the first time with the intention to
divorce? Of course not, because you believe marriage is supposed to be
forever. So do kids. They can come to grips with the divorce and remarriage
as long as you "play nice" in the process. A good role progression for
the non-biological parents is this "Acquaintance - Friend - Counselor -
Parent". By the way, the kid gets to decide when you get your
promotion, not you.
Thanks for
the great question!
"My
children are old enough to stay alone and now that my wife and I have the
ability to leave them, we've found that we have little to talk about when
out together..."
Empty-nest
syndrome doesn't necessarily start when the nest is empty. Couple find
themselves lacking an ease of conversation because they've invested too much
time in discussing what to make for dinner or when Johnny's soccer game is
and not enough time discussing their more intimate thoughts. But don't lose
hope, take a month to do EVERYTHING together (ex. chores, shopping, paying
bills, etc.) and you will soon find yourselves getting more comfortable with
each other. One more thing...hold hands. Touch, though uncomfortable at
first is a tool that warms even the coldest hearts.
"My
husband and I both work. When we get home, we're exhausted but there is
dinner to cook, homework to be done, laundry, etc, etc. But it seems that he
comes home and plops on the couch and I end up running around. Equal
distribution of responsibility, I don't think so."
Sound
pretty familiar to a lot of women. Although more and more women are in the
work force and families have two income earners, women have had a hard time
shaking traditional gender roles. The answer is pretty simple...getting your
couch-potato to comply consistently over time takes patience. Tell your
husband about your thoughts, don't linger too long on the negative stuff.
Instead, ask him how he can help out. Don't accept excuses, the work has to
be done and if he doesn't agree to help, it's either you or a cluttered
home. Keep at him, don't expect old habits to die easily. Evaluate your
progress each week over dinner (eating somehow makes these conversations
easier). Make small changes and stay at it. If you give up, he will too.
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